http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSNohtiwM6E
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i highly recommend listening to this while you read this, because this is the song that this short story was inspired by.
*WARNING. THIS MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY TRIGGERING.*
My feet press into the soaked grass and mud as I make my way up to the cliff. It is pouring, and my ragged hair drips around my face, my clothes soaked to my cold, pale skin. Nevertheless, I continue up the incline with a determination I have never felt the likes of in my life, more of a pull than a self motivated action. My mind can barely form cohesive thoughts, though I feel something pushing at the back of my mind, insisting. Needing to be heard. I shake it off, and carry on regardless.
The sea is calling me.
This wasn't the first time I had heard its siren song, though. It had been whispering into my mind like an old friend, even when I was miles away. Every time my father came home, eyes bloodshot and stumbling. Every time he raised his arm against me, every time I stood in my small bathroom late at night, counting the angry welts on my body, and carving more. It spoke to me like the friend I'd never had. We were closely acquainted, the ocean and I. The ocean is deep. The ocean is dark. The ocean is safe.
Come home.
The songs became quieter when he found me, of course. They had nearly stopped completely. I began to find strength in the oddest places, in deep recesses inside myself. It's strange, sometimes, the effect a person can have on your life. Something so weak, so fragile as a human life, can grow to be something so powerful when it comes in contact with another life. Such was our love. And that scared me more than anything else.
My "tendencies" did not go unnoticed by him, as I should have expected. I wanted to trust him, but couldn't. I pushed him away. It wasn't enough, and his unfailing need to help pushed harder. I gave in, that one night on this very cliff. I told him everything, and for the first time in my life I thought that maybe, just maybe, there could be a point to all of this after all. His beautiful face was imprinted on my mind, pleading with me.
"Please. Don't do anything that you'll regret. People love you, Lilith. I love you."
He was an angel. But nothing lasts forever.
I'm almost at the top now, and thoughts are being stirred up now like a hurricane. The tears are flowing now, blending with the rain that has soaked my face in a bittersweet caress.
I would know better than anyone that life can be cruel. A reckless driver was all it took. It turned out that he was mortal after all, to everyone but me. I should have known. I should have known that when I thought I finally had something, it would be taken from me. My touch was poison. I was never meant for this world. I should have known.
Now I am looking out over the ocean, a sudden hesitation sweeps over me. The rain is still pounding, the waves still crash against the rocks. But in my mind, all is silent. I pause.
Do I have to do this? I have a choice now. Is it really worth it?
Now.
I slowly raise my hand to my face. In it is a small, ragged photograph, and his face smiles back up at me. He would have never wanted me to do this.
Don't fight, Lilith.
"You are worth so much more than you think, Lilith. I love you."
Jump.
"I love you."
I'll catch you.
I look down at the picture, and kiss it, kiss the world, goodbye.
This is it.
And right before I jump, I think of his name. The name that built me up, made me breathe again. The name that carried a love like no other behind it, even when the owner was gone forever.
I'm sorry it has to be this way, Jack. But sometimes, I have to make my own decisions.
I'm coming. Because sometimes, it's not about the climb. It's about the fall.
And I step into the gaping, dark hole the world has dug for me, into the ocean's open arms as my final heartbeat echoes into the air.
~
(this isn't my best writing, but i hope you enjoyed it!)
